If you don’t have kids yet...... Don’t!

 Oh my goodness, I haven’t blogged in years. Why? Because I have kids, duh.  Four kids to be exact.  10, 7, and 22 month old twins. (don't even bother looking to the right, those pictures are completely inaccurate and out of date)  So why am I sitting down in front of my computer, waisting valuable nap time? Who the heck knows.  Maybe because venting in my head while I vaccumed for the 5^th time today wasn’t getting the job done.  So now all 3 of my followers get a chance to hear me rant....  It occurred to me that there are a billion, (I’m sure that number is completely accurate), mommy blogs who spout absolute truth about the humor, complications, annoyances, and down right war zone that is parenthood. However, every one I read seems to take all the bad, and wrap it up with one big beautiful “but its all worth it” bow. Not me people.  A piece of crap wrapped in shiny paper is still what?.... a piece of crap.  Now please don’t get me wrong, I am NOT calling my children or mother hood a piece of poop! I am merely suggesting, that at times, it just plain stinks.  I’ll give you some examples.

1)    The miracle of child birth.  Two people kept it real with me during my first pregnancy.  First was my over critical, non-filtered boss.  She asked me one day how much longer I had in my pregnancy. My answer was “a few months, why?”  “Really? You are already so big.”  That’s right. She told the truth, gasp!  I was not glowing.  My face was round and my hips were wide, I even have the stretch marks to prove it.  That being said, I actually love being pregnant, since it is the only time I feel I can throw portion control to the wind.  Second was a girl I knew, already 3 kids deep.  She told me, “When you are giving birth just push really hard like you are going poop.”  No one else told me this.  So when the magical day arrived I pushed, hard, and guess what I did.... yup, right there on the table.  Gross!  I want to touch on the topic of c-sections.  While I have never had to have one myself (not even with those 7 lb twins), I can only imagine the horror my poor husband would have to face as my guts are being passed around, from doctor to nurse, like a bong in 1972.  How do you erase that image?  Every time he looks at my stomach would he be thinking, “hmm, I’ve seen every thing in there.” Not that a vaginal childbirth is any less terrifying to witness.  I’m just saying.... they are guts!

2)    Goodbye sleep.  I am CRANKY when I don’t sleep!  Good luck with that.

3)    I love making a home cooked meal, on the table by 6:30, every night for my family.  Call me crazy, but I just do.  Have 4 kids, and just like that, 20 minute food prep has now just become 45!  I kid you not.  Last night I was stopped at least 4 times while chopping an onion, by some one who “needed” something.  Why are they all so needy?! I’m not needy.  I want something I get it.  I need something done, I do it.  I am trying to teach by example here little people, please take note!  You’d think the older ones would understand, that’s what I don’t get.  “Do you want to starve?  No?  Then let me make your dinner!”  Remember when you used to be able to sit down and slowly consume warm food? Me either.  I am looking forward to the day when I can eat in peace like the other 5 creatures at the table, and not have indigestion when it’s all over.  I dream big.

4)    Good Grief, everything in my house is sticky!  From about my waist down, all of it, gross.  How does this happen?  I feel like I am living with blind people, who have to touch every surface they pass by.  And why do I clean it all exactly?  I must be crazy, that’s the only explanation I can come up with.   Why just today, as I was dusting, I came upon the piano bench.  Now, I use the term dusting loosely, as that bench required some major elbow grease. And why shouldn’t it?  It hasn’t been cleaned in at lest 6 days..... any way, cleaning your house with small children around is like waving a cookie in front of their face and expecting them not to take a bite.  My piano bench, finally shiny again, is not shiny any more.  I’m going to give my boys the benefit of the doubt and say it lasted a solid 3 minutes, before being covered in finger prints and an unidentifiable stick/crusty glob.  Thanks guys!  I sweep a minimum of 5 times a day, vacuum almost every night, and wash a dishwasher full of sippy cups and plastic bowls, just so it can all begin again in the morning.

5)    Privacy is for rich people.  Seriously.  Maybe if I hired a nanny I could expect a little “alone time” in the bathroom.  Alas, I am it around here.  This is how a bathroom break goes for me:  Make sure Yo Gabba Gabba is at the very beginning of a new episode, (so it isn’t done before you are).  Next, throw some lucky charms their way, (sugar cereal and a t.v. babysitter, yeah I got this parent thing locked down).  Finally, the diversion, point out the back window a shout, “look, kitty”, and run while their heads are turned.  Quietly close the door, as not to alert them, and enjoy the 15 seconds of silence you have just bought yourself!

6)    Best part of my day?  When every one is sleeping.  Worst part?  When I hear them all starting to wake up.  Is that awful to say?  Well, I just did.

7)    I love Target.  Love it!  I look like I have four kids.  I shop at Walmart now.

8)    Date night?  You mean to tell me, that a husband and wife can go out alone together, wearing “dry clean only” clothing, and eat food at an establishment that does not offer color crayons?  Mind blown!

9)    Vacations are not vacations.  Not for moms anyway.  For dads, yes they are. Vacations are babysitting in a different location.  There are no schedules!  You are at the mercy of we’ll sleep when we sleep, and we’ll eat when we eat.  Then we will all go back to a crammed hotel room with one cartoon channel and one bathroom and try to not have CPS called on us. I always need a vacation after my “vacation”.  Always!

10)  Good cop, bad cop. Why am I always bad cop? Even when it’s my husbands turn to be bad cop, he is still good cop.  I don’t know how many times I have told him, “you can not punish the children with a smile on your face.”  It sends mixed signals, seriously.  Fifth child, my husband is.  Your face needs to read, “you hit your brother one more time and that arm is coming off.”  Not, “please stop, giggle, giggle.” Why do my children not do exactly as I say?  I’m sure I was a model citizen as a child.  Sure of it! They need constant reminders, at multiple volumes, about everything. And so help me, one of these days, the back talk, loud “my mom is the worst” sighs, and eye rolling will come to end! I’m not sure how really, or even when, but I remain optimistic none the less. 

These kids are killing me.  Maybe not in a bullet to the head kind of way, but more like small doses of arsenic in my food over a long period of time sort of way.  Don’t worry about me though, I’ll be fine.  I am living and learning. And while I may not be the same girl I used to be, I am a mother now and I got this!  Oh, and my boobs are really, really, saggy. 

Give it your best shot.....

Go ahead. I dare you. Guess how much I paid for this stuff today.......

If you said zero dollars, you would be totally correct. That's right, completely free junk food. Highlight of my day.

On an unrelated manner.... want to know the low light of my day? Purchasing alcohol at the grocery store (for cooking purposes only people) and not being carded. That's right. I look so dang old the girl did not even ask to see my picture i.d. C'mon! Do I really look that old? (do not answer if you want to remain friends) I mean really, humor the almost 30 year old. Please!

After said incident, I went to my car, pulled down the mirror, and stared. Tightened my skin a bit by holding it back with my hands, and stared some more. There may have been one glistening tear as the thought of my youth going so quickly flashed before my eyes. (Literally. I was seeing some pretty gnarly parenthesis around my mouth) Good by twenties. It's been fun. Wish you could stay a little longer. Hello thirties. You scare the crap out of me! I'll start writing my obituary tomorrow.....

Well this blog post didn't go quit as planned. Apparently I'm busy trying to work through a few "issues". I promise to be better next time. (Or not. I may be 30 by the time I post again. It will probably be very grim. Apologies)

Fulfillment

So this thought came to me today as I was getting all squeaky clean in the shower. (to much info?) My thought was this.... I often think to myself , "Is my life all that I want it to be, or that it could be? Am I fulfilled?" Yes I am an awful sort of person who occasionally thinks to herself "Is this it?" Kids, cleaning, kids, cleaning, kids.... you get the idea. I often feel, maybe I should have done more before all the kids and cleaning. Maybe a career. A college degree. A.... well, something, fulfilling. You know? So this is the thought I had. My house, FULL of stuff. My scrapbook cabinet, FULL of scrapbooking stuff. Closet, FULL of clothes, kids rooms FULL of toys, pantry FULL of food. My garage is FULL of crap, the couch is FULL of crumbs, and my trunk.... totally FULL of junk. (you know what trunk I'm talking about) My mind, is forever FULL of things that need to be done, and my facebook page is FULL of friends, well people, don't know how I know some of them, but they're there. My nail polish/makeup/hair stuff/lotion cupboard, way to FULL. And my dvr, FULL of addictive tv. Are you getting the picture here? Things seem to be pretty full over here. Don't really know what more is missing. Well, maybe one thing.... my tummy just told me it was lunch time. Better go FILL 'er up.

p.s. If you were waiting for the family full of love part of this, you'll just have to keep waiting. So not my style to go all mushy on ya. Lets just say it is implied....

good intentions

I have the best intentions to blog. Really I do. It's just that, well, let's face it.... I'm too lazy. That's right, I said it. I'm to lazy to sit down, attach a picture, and come up with something clever to say. To be honest I didn't even start my blog. That would be my friend Misty. She kept telling me I needed one, and I kept telling her I never would write in it. So she created an account, blog name, and even "my" first post for me. What a good friend. Now I feel like I have to write something, at least once a year, or I'm letting my faithful followers (all 2 of you) down. So here it is. My first blog post in months. No pictures (I take plenty of pictures, many for blogging), no wit, just a whole lot of blah, blah, blah (totally stole that one from Ke$ha). So enjoy peeps. It may be a while before you have the pleasure to here a fantastic update from yours truly..... maybe I can get Misty to to my blogging, it was her idea in the first place.

Call me........

So, I found this note on my car after I was done at the grocery store today. I find the fact that creepy men, not just my husband, find me fantastic. I mean, when's the last time I received a "call me later" note? However, I probably won't be calling this Daniel guy due to the fact that I'm married, have children, and am not interested in being the victim of a sexual assault any time soon. Thanks though.

P.S. You are the one who almost hit me!

Did you say what I thought you said?

I find it so funny when people make mistakes.... mostly because I do the the same thing. Hey, I'm not perfect, try not to be so surprised. The "mistake" I speak of today is not a huge one, but funny none the less. Have you ever been talking to someone, try to say one word, but a whole different word comes out? The answer is yes. And I'm not talking about the whole squishing two words together thing like Lindsey Lohan's "grool" on Mean Girls. (great and cool mixed together) I do that plenty. I mean an entirely different word slipping out. Let me give you an example:

Car repair man says to me today. "We'll even take some pictures when we get in there so you can see what's going on. We're not trying to rape...... rip people off here."

Me thinking to myself. "That's good. I don't want to get ripped off. And the rape, if we could not have that happen either, that would be great. Thanks."

I'm still laughing to myself. It was funny. Maybe you just had to be there.

Field Trip

Today I went with Gavin's preschool class to the Micky's Grove Zoo. It was a "great day", he kept telling me after we were done, I agree.

We did see some animals while we were there,

But mostly we did this......

Meet Megan, Gavin is completely smitten!

I think she feels the same way.

He can make her laugh. (pretending to make out with the old lady statue)

Lunch, and a little dessert......

Yes, my son threw her down a kissed her. I didn't know if I should take a picture or pull him off (people were starting to give me disapproving eyes). Where does he learn this stuff, hmmm.....

I might be a little biased, but how could you not love this little stinker?

Splendor

Yep, Splendor. That was the name of our ship, and it was splendid indeed. (gag that I just wrote that.) The ship was huge, new, had a water slide, mini golf coarse, ping pong, and so much to do all day!!!!

This is only half of the hallway, it goes just as far the other way!

This was our dinner table for the whole cruise. We got lucky enough to be with a group of couples our age. So, Jason and I gave the couples all nicknames, easier to remember that way. From top left, mean girl and the cameraman (She told the magician the first night he came to our table she hated him because she didn't get the trick. She said it way mean! He is a cameraman for the reality show Ace of Cakes on the food network) Above us, potheads (First night she tells us she is going to school to own her on pot distillery. We "smelled" them in their room every night after that... from down the hall!) Us (The mormons, aka, the only sober ones) Next to us, our pals, the cop and his girlfriend. (no explanation, he's a cop. He didn't like the potheads. The end.) I looked forward to dinner every night, 3 appetizers, 5 main courses, and every dessert on the menu please...... I gained 5 pounds!

This last one is just because.... just because, who has naked butt statues on their cruise ship? That would be us.

Cabo San Lucas

Why did I choose this cruise? Because I wanted to got to Cabo. Why did I want to go to Cabo? Because I wanted to see this rock. Why did I want to see this rock? I have no idea.... but I'm glad I did.

Cabo was our last port, and a great day to spend all alone with my hubby. We took a water taxi out to lovers beach. We saw a seal habitat, tons a pelicans, cool rock formations, whales, and then spent a couple hours on the beach. After, we walked around town, shopped, found an internet cafe because Jason was going through withdrawals I think, and rented a jet-skis. So much fun!!!!

There is a whale in this picture, i swear!

Funny story, or gross.... depends who you are. On a small beach, that is pretty much an island, with no place to um, pee, what do you do? Hello, you squat behind a huge rock! And what happens to sand after a steady stream of..... you know....... there becomes a little hole. And what lives in little sand holes? Yes, sandcrabs. Imagine my surprise after I pee and uncover this little beauty. I can definitely say I've never had that happen before.

So, I guess I should just start calling him superman now.

You gotta love Mexico. The beaches, the ocean, the children playing with beer bottles....

Umm, hello scary gun man. It truly scares the pants off me that the police in Mexico carry this kind of artillery. I won't be caught jaywalking around here. And why did I feel the need to take a picture with la policia? Don't know, but he was pretty happy about it, I wasn't sure if that was his gun or he was just happy to see me. Seriously, he was squeezing him some Brenda in this shot!

Matzatlan

Now this is what I came for! Sunny, warm, beaches.... oh baby!

We made some new friends on our cruise, Adam and Serena, they were way cool and we did everything with them. It's nice to have some new victims for all of Jason's "stories", he has a lot. And I've heard each at least a dozen times.

The good thing about Mexico, someone is always trying to make a deal. The bad thing about Mexico, someone is always trying to make a deal. We did good with our cab here. We got a tour of the city for $25.oo total. Everyone else? $30.00 a person in a van!

Notice the Chargers logo? Just so happens our cabbie was born in raised in good 'ol San Diego, just like our buddy (and cop) here, Adam. We got along well....... he spoke perfect english!

View from our tour, enjoy.

For the rest of the day we laid on the beach, under a cabana...... And were only asked 500 times if we would like to buy a grain of rice with our name on it.

Puerto Vallarta

We got to Puerto Vallarta on the third day of our cruise. It was nice to get off the boat after two days at sea. Unfortunately, the weather was pretty wet. The night before had been a major storm than caused mudslides and damage around town. We however did not let a little rain get in the way of our fun. I was so excited to go ziplining through the jungle. Our instructors/guides were super funny, and the views were amazing. The longest line was a mile long, and the highest one was 600 feet above the ground.

So, I didn't even realize we matched until I looked at this picture. I'm not really a fan of that.

Before

After

As if flying through a jungle, 600 feet in the air, over trees and a rushing river wasn't enough, I got to........

That's right, I'm holding a monkey!!!!! Hands down, highlight of the trip... well, maybe.

Jason? Not loving it as much!

I'm on a boat man.....

First off, please tell me you know the "I'm on a boat" song, second, because we are always "on the boat" I may use this title again. Try not to get confused.

Jason and I find it completely necessary every January to take a "mental health" week. Alone, away from little people, who scream your name 20 times in a restaurant only to forget what it is they were yelling for when you finally acknowledge them. We've done Hawaii a couple of times, and just went on our third cruise. It was fantastic! Now, I'm not trying to brag here..... well, maybe just a little. But can you really blame me?

Christmas morning

Yeah, I know it's May.... you got a problem with that? No? O.k. then, feel free to keep reading.

Big toys like a Barbie Bus may seem like a good idea, until you realize there is assembly required, sticker application, and the problem of where to store this huge toy. Makayla loved it though. Thanks Santa.

Gavin had a blast playing with his Woody all morning.... (sorry, I couldn't resist)

Christmas candy for breakfast is an excellent idea for a 3 year old!!!

I'm pretty sure this kid did not get enough stuff! I couldn't even fit half of it in the picture.

Next, we were off to Fremont to celebrate with the Caspers.

Makayla loved her new Liv doll......

She however did not love the fact that her little bother emptied her new buildabear stuffing out all over the carpet.

I love the hollidays! I can't wait for next Christmas. Maybe I'll even blog about it while we're in the same season. What an idea. :)

"The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful." -E.E. Cummings

So, this is what little boys do on Saturday mornings. Nice! And the boots, they are completely full of mud.

Cupcakes for breakfast?

You better believe it!!!! I am a fan of the "pebbles" cereals. I love Cocoa Pebbles, and use Fruity Pebbles to make the most awesome rice crispy treats. So you can imagine my suprise/excitement when I saw a commercial the other day for new Cupcake Pebbles. Needless to say, there was a box in our cupboard the very next day. Now I'm not crazy about sugary cereals for breakfast, but for a mid day snack, you better believe it!!!! Curious as to how yummy they were? Now, a lot of things sound good in theory, so cupcake flavored cereal could wind up tasting, well, like cardboard...... but let me assure you, they were amazeing! Have you ever had the cake batter ice cream from Cold Stone? It's pretty much the cereal version of that! I am definitely hooked. Move over marshmallow Froot Loops, (another odd sounding, yet way too yummy cereal) there's a new sugar filled snack in town. Oh, and the kids thought it was good too.

A little something for the both of us.......

On Wednesday, March 10th, Jason and I celebrated our 9 year anniversary. We had decided that since we had just taken a week long cruise in February, and then another trip to Napa last weekend, we would just count those as our "anniversary celebration". It's a good thing my husband knows me and my "girl language", because he was totally able to read through the lines when I said "No need for gifts this year"..... and he bought me gifts :)

Oh how I love these pink bags. Who doesn't?! So, Jason hands me my gift, with a little smirk, and says "A little something for the both of us"....... in front of our children!!!!! Ummm, really? Now I have a 6 and 3 year old trying to tear into my "for the both of us" gift, and I'm not liking were this is headed. I can only imagine the questions and the damage that will be done. "Why are your panties smaller than mine mommy? Why is there a hole there mommy? What do you do with that mommy?" Seriously Jason? What were you thinking giving this to me in front of my kids?? Now they have begun chanting... "Open it. Open it. Open it." Ok, here we go.......

Oh, perfume and lotion! Thanks, hun! I love it.

Nice shoes... Thanks... The end

Trying to kill time this morning before the mall opened I decided to treat myself to a tall non-fat hot chocolate with caramel at Starbucks. (yum) As I waited patiently in line for said beverage to be prepared, the young lady to my right looked down and said to me

"I like your shoes."

"Thanks."

I know what you're thinking. Pretty boring, definitely not worth blogging about right? Well, that's where you'd be wrong my friends. The conversation with this stranger continued....

"They look comfortable." (remember, we're talking about my choice of foot wear)

"Yup. They are."

"I have to wear comfortable shoes for my job. I'm working with kids all day so I can't be wearing heels. I had to go to an interview the other day and wore heels then went to work and the girl asked me can I wear your shoes and I looked at her and said, uh, no."

"What girl?"

"One of the kids, she wanted to wear my shoes."

"Oh." Notice my short responses.... usually this makes people uncomfortable and go away.... no such luck here.

"I like my job but I'd really like to pass my tests so I can become a real teacher. I'm good at the english part but the math is where it gets me. Math is not my thing, I can't seem to pass that part."

"Math is not my favorite either."

"My brother is pre-law at Brown and called me the other day to rub it in my face. He was like, I'm the smart one and the favorite one, how are you? And I told him, yeah well when is the last time you got laid? Sometimes you've just got to put them in their place, you know?"

"Uh, yeah. I guess." Oh please, please, please, let my drink be ready. At this point I'll take it cold, anything, just get me away from the crazy chick.

Oh that's me. That's my drink! I get to go!!! Yay!

I use this post as kind of a public service announcement of sorts. Complements to strangers are kind, usually any more than hat is just plain creepy. Oh, and also, pulling greasy hair back into a pony tail does not make the grease go away.... fyi.

Bang Bang

Makayla's first gun holding/cleaning lesson........ Sure, I think this is an appropriate Sunday morning activity.

On the anniversary of my birth

Wow.... 29! I still can't believe that I am 29 years old today. I don't know if I'm maturing and gaining these new adult emotions, or if it's just the p.m.s, but I am feeling sort of nostalgic. What my life was, what it's become, and what it holds in store for me. One thing I do know, there are a few people who were there 29 years ago and who are still here today....

Where would any of us be if it weren't for Mothers? True, my mom was not the on who gave birth to me, but she was the one who read to me, and sang to me. She cooked for me, cared for me, and gave up her own wants for mine. She has taught me so much, I am who I am because of my mother.

Dads are great for playing with! And mine is no exception. Wrestling, and laughing, lawn mowing, and hard work. My dad loves to play, and has always been a good example of a hard worker! I have great memories of park days and bike rides, and so do my kids thanks to him!

And then there's the sis.... Yes she was annoying, yes she stole my clothes, makeup, and anything else that wasn't on me at the time, yes she was in my way and on my nerves and way too emotional all the time, and yes she is one of my best friends now! (and yes, she is probably tearing up as she reads this) I am so glad she feels like she can call me for anything and I can call her. Separation definitely makes the heart grow fonder, and if it weren't for the annoying little sister stuff I wouldn't have such great stories.

Oh to be young and in love again........ so obviously Ben Affleck was never my real boyfriend (a girl can dream can't she?) I ended up with some one a whole lot better, he even helped me to bring these amazing little people who I just adore into this world! They are my new family, and one day I hope they can say the same things about me as I can say about mine! So here's to the past 29 years, full of learning, growing, wonder, and excitement.... and to 29 years full of more of the same!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday to me!