Saturday, August 17, 2013

If you don’t have kids yet...... Don’t!

 Oh my goodness, I haven’t blogged in years. Why? Because I have kids, duh.  Four kids to be exact.  10, 7, and 22 month old twins. (don't even bother looking to the right, those pictures are completely inaccurate and out of date)  So why am I sitting down in front of my computer, waisting valuable nap time? Who the heck knows.  Maybe because venting in my head while I vaccumed for the 5th time today wasn’t getting the job done.  So now all 3 of my followers get a chance to hear me rant....  It occurred to me that there are a billion, (I’m sure that number is completely accurate), mommy blogs who spout absolute truth about the humor, complications, annoyances, and down right war zone that is parenthood. However, every one I read seems to take all the bad, and wrap it up with one big beautiful “but its all worth it” bow. Not me people.  A piece of crap wrapped in shiny paper is still what?.... a piece of crap.  Now please don’t get me wrong, I am NOT calling my children or mother hood a piece of poop! I am merely suggesting, that at times, it just plain stinks.  I’ll give you some examples.

1)    The miracle of child birth.  Two people kept it real with me during my first pregnancy.  First was my over critical, non-filtered boss.  She asked me one day how much longer I had in my pregnancy. My answer was “a few months, why?”  “Really? You are already so big.”  That’s right. She told the truth, gasp!  I was not glowing.  My face was round and my hips were wide, I even have the stretch marks to prove it.  That being said, I actually love being pregnant, since it is the only time I feel I can throw portion control to the wind.  Second was a girl I knew, already 3 kids deep.  She told me, “When you are giving birth just push really hard like you are going poop.”  No one else told me this.  So when the magical day arrived I pushed, hard, and guess what I did.... yup, right there on the table.  Gross!  I want to touch on the topic of c-sections.  While I have never had to have one myself (not even with those 7 lb twins), I can only imagine the horror my poor husband would have to face as my guts are being passed around, from doctor to nurse, like a bong in 1972.  How do you erase that image?  Every time he looks at my stomach would he be thinking, “hmm, I’ve seen every thing in there.” Not that a vaginal childbirth is any less terrifying to witness.  I’m just saying.... they are guts!

2)    Goodbye sleep.  I am CRANKY when I don’t sleep!  Good luck with that.

3)    I love making a home cooked meal, on the table by 6:30, every night for my family.  Call me crazy, but I just do.  Have 4 kids, and just like that, 20 minute food prep has now just become 45!  I kid you not.  Last night I was stopped at least 4 times while chopping an onion, by some one who “needed” something.  Why are they all so needy?! I’m not needy.  I want something I get it.  I need something done, I do it.  I am trying to teach by example here little people, please take note!  You’d think the older ones would understand, that’s what I don’t get.  “Do you want to starve?  No?  Then let me make your dinner!”  Remember when you used to be able to sit down and slowly consume warm food? Me either.  I am looking forward to the day when I can eat in peace like the other 5 creatures at the table, and not have indigestion when it’s all over.  I dream big.

4)    Good Grief, everything in my house is sticky!  From about my waist down, all of it, gross.  How does this happen?  I feel like I am living with blind people, who have to touch every surface they pass by.  And why do I clean it all exactly?  I must be crazy, that’s the only explanation I can come up with.   Why just today, as I was dusting, I came upon the piano bench.  Now, I use the term dusting loosely, as that bench required some major elbow grease. And why shouldn’t it?  It hasn’t been cleaned in at lest 6 days..... any way, cleaning your house with small children around is like waving a cookie in front of their face and expecting them not to take a bite.  My piano bench, finally shiny again, is not shiny any more.  I’m going to give my boys the benefit of the doubt and say it lasted a solid 3 minutes, before being covered in finger prints and an unidentifiable stick/crusty glob.  Thanks guys!  I sweep a minimum of 5 times a day, vacuum almost every night, and wash a dishwasher full of sippy cups and plastic bowls, just so it can all begin again in the morning.

5)    Privacy is for rich people.  Seriously.  Maybe if I hired a nanny I could expect a little “alone time” in the bathroom.  Alas, I am it around here.  This is how a bathroom break goes for me:  Make sure Yo Gabba Gabba is at the very beginning of a new episode, (so it isn’t done before you are).  Next, throw some lucky charms their way, (sugar cereal and a t.v. babysitter, yeah I got this parent thing locked down).  Finally, the diversion, point out the back window a shout, “look, kitty”, and run while their heads are turned.  Quietly close the door, as not to alert them, and enjoy the 15 seconds of silence you have just bought yourself!

6)    Best part of my day?  When every one is sleeping.  Worst part?  When I hear them all starting to wake up.  Is that awful to say?  Well, I just did.

7)    I love Target.  Love it!  I look like I have four kids.  I shop at Walmart now.

8)    Date night?  You mean to tell me, that a husband and wife can go out alone together, wearing “dry clean only” clothing, and eat food at an establishment that does not offer color crayons?  Mind blown!

9)    Vacations are not vacations.  Not for moms anyway.  For dads, yes they are. Vacations are babysitting in a different location.  There are no schedules!  You are at the mercy of we’ll sleep when we sleep, and we’ll eat when we eat.  Then we will all go back to a crammed hotel room with one cartoon channel and one bathroom and try to not have CPS called on us. I always need a vacation after my “vacation”.  Always!

10)  Good cop, bad cop. Why am I always bad cop? Even when it’s my husbands turn to be bad cop, he is still good cop.  I don’t know how many times I have told him, “you can not punish the children with a smile on your face.”  It sends mixed signals, seriously.  Fifth child, my husband is.  Your face needs to read, “you hit your brother one more time and that arm is coming off.”  Not, “please stop, giggle, giggle.” Why do my children not do exactly as I say?  I’m sure I was a model citizen as a child.  Sure of it! They need constant reminders, at multiple volumes, about everything. And so help me, one of these days, the back talk, loud “my mom is the worst” sighs, and eye rolling will come to end! I’m not sure how really, or even when, but I remain optimistic none the less. 

These kids are killing me.  Maybe not in a bullet to the head kind of way, but more like small doses of arsenic in my food over a long period of time sort of way.  Don’t worry about me though, I’ll be fine.  I am living and learning. And while I may not be the same girl I used to be, I am a mother now and I got this!  Oh, and my boobs are really, really, saggy. 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Give it your best shot.....

Go ahead. I dare you. Guess how much I paid for this stuff today.......

If you said zero dollars, you would be totally correct. That's right, completely free junk food. Highlight of my day.

On an unrelated manner.... want to know the low light of my day? Purchasing alcohol at the grocery store (for cooking purposes only people) and not being carded. That's right. I look so dang old the girl did not even ask to see my picture i.d. C'mon! Do I really look that old? (do not answer if you want to remain friends) I mean really, humor the almost 30 year old. Please!
After said incident, I went to my car, pulled down the mirror, and stared. Tightened my skin a bit by holding it back with my hands, and stared some more. There may have been one glistening tear as the thought of my youth going so quickly flashed before my eyes. (Literally. I was seeing some pretty gnarly parenthesis around my mouth) Good by twenties. It's been fun. Wish you could stay a little longer. Hello thirties. You scare the crap out of me! I'll start writing my obituary tomorrow.....

Well this blog post didn't go quit as planned. Apparently I'm busy trying to work through a few "issues". I promise to be better next time. (Or not. I may be 30 by the time I post again. It will probably be very grim. Apologies)

Thursday, December 2, 2010


So this thought came to me today as I was getting all squeaky clean in the shower. (to much info?) My thought was this.... I often think to myself , "Is my life all that I want it to be, or that it could be? Am I fulfilled?" Yes I am an awful sort of person who occasionally thinks to herself "Is this it?" Kids, cleaning, kids, cleaning, kids.... you get the idea. I often feel, maybe I should have done more before all the kids and cleaning. Maybe a career. A college degree. A.... well, something, fulfilling. You know? So this is the thought I had. My house, FULL of stuff. My scrapbook cabinet, FULL of scrapbooking stuff. Closet, FULL of clothes, kids rooms FULL of toys, pantry FULL of food. My garage is FULL of crap, the couch is FULL of crumbs, and my trunk.... totally FULL of junk. (you know what trunk I'm talking about) My mind, is forever FULL of things that need to be done, and my facebook page is FULL of friends, well people, don't know how I know some of them, but they're there. My nail polish/makeup/hair stuff/lotion cupboard, way to FULL. And my dvr, FULL of addictive tv. Are you getting the picture here? Things seem to be pretty full over here. Don't really know what more is missing. Well, maybe one thing.... my tummy just told me it was lunch time. Better go FILL 'er up.

p.s. If you were waiting for the family full of love part of this, you'll just have to keep waiting. So not my style to go all mushy on ya. Lets just say it is implied....

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

good intentions

I have the best intentions to blog. Really I do. It's just that, well, let's face it.... I'm too lazy. That's right, I said it. I'm to lazy to sit down, attach a picture, and come up with something clever to say. To be honest I didn't even start my blog. That would be my friend Misty. She kept telling me I needed one, and I kept telling her I never would write in it. So she created an account, blog name, and even "my" first post for me. What a good friend. Now I feel like I have to write something, at least once a year, or I'm letting my faithful followers (all 2 of you) down. So here it is. My first blog post in months. No pictures (I take plenty of pictures, many for blogging), no wit, just a whole lot of blah, blah, blah (totally stole that one from Ke$ha). So enjoy peeps. It may be a while before you have the pleasure to here a fantastic update from yours truly..... maybe I can get Misty to to my blogging, it was her idea in the first place.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Call me........

So, I found this note on my car after I was done at the grocery store today. I find the fact that creepy men, not just my husband, find me fantastic. I mean, when's the last time I received a "call me later" note? However, I probably won't be calling this Daniel guy due to the fact that I'm married, have children, and am not interested in being the victim of a sexual assault any time soon. Thanks though.

P.S. You are the one who almost hit me!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Did you say what I thought you said?

I find it so funny when people make mistakes.... mostly because I do the the same thing. Hey, I'm not perfect, try not to be so surprised. The "mistake" I speak of today is not a huge one, but funny none the less. Have you ever been talking to someone, try to say one word, but a whole different word comes out? The answer is yes. And I'm not talking about the whole squishing two words together thing like Lindsey Lohan's "grool" on Mean Girls. (great and cool mixed together) I do that plenty. I mean an entirely different word slipping out. Let me give you an example:

Car repair man says to me today. "We'll even take some pictures when we get in there so you can see what's going on. We're not trying to rape...... rip people off here."

Me thinking to myself. "That's good. I don't want to get ripped off. And the rape, if we could not have that happen either, that would be great. Thanks."

I'm still laughing to myself. It was funny. Maybe you just had to be there.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Field Trip

Today I went with Gavin's preschool class to the Micky's Grove Zoo. It was a "great day", he kept telling me after we were done, I agree.

We did see some animals while we were there,

But mostly we did this......

Meet Megan, Gavin is completely smitten!

I think she feels the same way.

He can make her laugh. (pretending to make out with the old lady statue)

Lunch, and a little dessert......

Yes, my son threw her down a kissed her. I didn't know if I should take a picture or pull him off (people were starting to give me disapproving eyes). Where does he learn this stuff, hmmm.....

I might be a little biased, but how could you not love this little stinker?